The Defected Selves
by trekthemusical
Summary: Upon the permanent return of Benjamin Sisko and temporary revival of Jadzia Dax, a near-complete reunion of the former DS9 crew catalyzes full-scale crisis for those who somehow lost themselves along the way. Set two years after WYLB. Does not follow the relaunch novels.
1. Return of the King

Ch 1. Return of the King

For the fourth time this week, Colonel Kira Nerys was called upon to handle a disturbance on the promenade. She rolled her eyes as she vacated her desk, brushing the baseball atop it but managing not to push it off. Frustrated fingertips knocked on her combadge as she went, paging the chief of security and demanding he meet her at the scene. Then she terminated the line; she was not in a good mood.

She hoped it wasn't Morn again. Kira could be very understanding when she needed to be, and she knew it was a rough week for him, but he had already caused commotion twice. Her patience for the Lurian had just about run dry. Morn direly needed to pull himself together; while Kira had tried before, perhaps she would again recommend he visit Ezri for counseling.

Much to her surprise (and joy), however, Morn was nowhere to be found on the promenade. Instead, the Colonel discovered a crowd of people with a clear opening at the center, where, after she pushed her way through, she met with an entirely new phenomenon: some sort of sparkling gas. Yet it did not follow regular scientific laws about gases as it occupied only a set space before her. It was not entirely cloudlike, but something about its appearance planted the comparison in her mind. Even more confusing, it made noise, a low, garbled noise that sounded vaguely humanoid. And it felt familiar.

Summoning all of her willpower, Kira managed to break her focus from the gas enough to address the Starfleet security officer nearest her. "You. Go round up some science officers." The officer obliged, hurrying off, but before he was even completely out of sight, the gas changed dramatically.

With a shock wave that ripped through the chest of every surrounding individual, the gas effectively exploded, a flash of blinding light robbing aesthetics from the experience. When the light faded, in its wake stood a man with strong posture, demanding eyes, and a rich voice. "Hello, Colonel."

The Bajoran majority of the crowd fell instantly to their knees; in fact, Kira was the only Bajoran who remained standing. "Sisko," she whispered to herself, stunned into quiet contemplation. She cleared her throat to regain her full voice, though she still stumbled over herself verbally. "Benjamin. Emissary. Captain. It's been… Ah, welcome back, Sir."

"Thank you, Nerys," he grinned, stepping forward and placing a friendly hand on her shoulder. "And thanks for keeping this place running. It's nice to see it in one piece. Now, don't you have some kind of office we can go to?" Kira mirrored his smile and navigated through the crowd. At first she led, but somewhere along the way, beneath the occasional hushed gasp from a passerby, Sisko took the lead, but she hardly cared. He was a man she could follow anywhere.

The doors parted, and they stepped inside what once was Sisko's office. "Hey!" he exclaimed merrily, picking the baseball off of the desk. He looked at Kira with the joy of a child before tossing the ball into the air and catching it.

Nerys sat on the edge of the desk. "So, gonna kick me out of the office again, Sisko?" she asked cheekily. She remembered her first impression of the man before her, the anger and resentment for all things Starfleet that somehow over time warped into a commission. She was outraged then to forfeit the office, but this time around, it had never really felt right to call hers.

"I don't really expect Starfleet to offer me my position back," he commented casually. As if stricken by a great realization, he swiped the ball furiously out of its most recent ascent and turned his full focus to the Colonel. "How long have I been gone?" Sisko asked gravely.

Kira too adopted the new, more serious tone, her smile fading. "Two years," she answered honestly, reaching out to catch his arm, a silent vote of support when he clearly needed it, his head beginning to hang. "They're still here," she added quickly. Sisko looked to her with cautious optimism, begging for confirmation. "Your family. They're still on the station."

His eyes grew wide, and beneath them spread an equal smile. Nerys's nod urged him to go find them, but as he rushed to the door, they parted to bid entrance, not exit, as Ezri Dax trailed in, her gaze attached to the pad in her hands. "Hey, Nerys, I-" The blur above the pad of someone nearly colliding with her redirected her focus, and when she saw who it was in front of her, the pad slipped through her fingers, clattering to the ground. "Benjamin!" Her tiny arms looped around him with surprising intensity.

When she released him from the embrace, she did not free him entirely, maintaining a rather forceful grip on both of his arms. "It's so good to see you!" she exclaimed, launching into an eager babble. "It's been so long, and so much has happened while you were away! I-"

Sisko shook off her hands and mirrored the action, gripping her shoulders delicately. "It's good to see you too, Old Man," he said with soft urgency, "but right now, I need to go find Jake and Kasidy."

Ezri smiled and nodded. As he released her, however, she held up a firm index finger. "But," she qualified, "We're catching up later. At Quark's? I'm sure Julian will be thrilled to know you're back."

"Of course," Benjamin replied before rushing off. He selected what at least once were their quarters as his first destination, weaving through the labyrinth of living quarter hallways as habitually as if not a single day had passed. Deep Space Nine was, as always, a place that he belonged, every panel an old friend.

When he reached the most familiar door, he entered the access code he recalled, but the unsettling beep that resulted indicated an updated code was required. Given that he had no such code, Sisko opted for the next best thing: being let in. "Jake! Kasidy!" he shouted, fists pounding on the door. "Kasidy, open up!"

After a few minutes of pummeling, the door shot open, and he saw her. "Kasidy," he breathed. He could see his name on her mouth, but before she could articulate it, he leaned down to her, smothering her voice with an overdue kiss. It took only a moment for her to kiss back, but her body felt stiff in his arms, tense in a way he had only known her to be when she was upset. He let go of her, and without warning, Kasidy slapped him.

"If you think you can go play God for two years and then come traipsing back like nothing's changed," she accosted him, "you have another thing coming! Do you know what you missed? Do you know what I've been through?" Her arms folded defensively across her chest, but when Benjamin reacted in only a series of blinks, she groaned and pulled him inside by the collar. "I'm only letting you in because I don't think it'd go over well if people saw me screaming at the Emissary in a hallway," she added as justification both for him and for herself.

"I don't understand," Sisko marvelled, glancing around. The living room, at least, was still the same as before. "Where's Jake? And the bab-"

"Don't you act like now you're invested!" Kasidy fumed, fire burning in her eyes. "You weren't concerned about the baby when you left us!"

He reeled back as if physically attacked. "Oh, Kasidy," he began, his voice low; a large but gentle hand reached to stroke her face but instead was slapped down. "I love you and our baby more than I can even begin to tell you, but I had to go be with the Prophets. I can't explain that. But I told you I would be back, and here I am." In his eyes was a separate flame, one that begged to return to its contemporary, to be together again, to burn twice as bright.

Kasidy turned away. "While you were inexplicably required to spend time with those wormhole aliens," she said coldly, "life went on here. We had to make it work without you. A lot changed, Ben." Behind her, he spiraled down with every word. When she paused, he took a step nearer to her, but her peripheral detected his motion, and she whispered, "I want you to go, Ben."

In an instant, he froze. Sheer panic and complete sorrow washed over him. "You… you do?" He had never expected this; Sisko had imagined something more along the lines of an impassioned embrace, a stream of sweet nothings tucked between stories about the first time their child stood up without assistance or said a word or bopped Jake in the nose. Anything. Anything but this.

"Yes." Her voice was strong despite the sense that she could soon be in tears. He melted down to meet the couch as his muscles followed the lead of his collapsing life. "No, don't sit down!" he glanced up to see Kasidy had spun around and now glared down at him. "I said go!"

What could he do? Benjamin gathered himself up and slogged toward the door. He paused there, looking back to confirm this was truly what she wanted; when her only reaction was to turn away from him, he knew it was true. Beneath the automated door's hum of movement as it closed behind him, he heard her explode into sobs, The worst of it was that not only could he not dry them: he had wrought them.

Two thoughts crossed his mind. The first was that he should punch something, a wall maybe, but he managed to dismiss the idea by reminding himself that someone would have to fix the damage. The second thought was that he should head down to Quark's. This one, he accepted.

When he arrived at the bar, he found it amazingly… empty. While he had no idea what day or time it was-early Tuesday evening, not a popular time for drinking-it seemed strange that there was virtually no one. A couple Dabo girls stood around their tables, flashing alluring smiles that faded into shocked o-shapes when their made-up eyes landed on him. He ignored them, seating himself at the bar, nodding to the only other patron. "Hello, Morn."

Before the Lurian could reply, a little man with big ears behind the bar called over his shoulder, "What can I get yo-" As he turned around, his words stopped instantly. "Sisko?!"

"Nice to see you too, Quark," Sisko chuckled. He watched the Ferengi's initial surprise transform to sincere happiness to see him, and, thinking back only to the event with Kasidy, thought bitterly of how nice it was for someone to be happy to see him too.

Quark leaned against the bar."This place hasn't been the same without you, Captain," he stated, his casual and playful tone a clear facade to hide actual sentiment. "Ever since you and that annoying Changeling what's-his-face left, I've had a lot more successful business endeavours. And without that Klingon brute, I've enjoyed a lot more peace of mind."

The Captain raised an eyebrow. "You and I both know you couldn't forget the Constable if you tried," he smirked. Quark offered no visible reaction beyond a shrug, but Sisko knew what was beneath: he missed Odo's meddling.

"So when did you get back? And also how? I'm pretty foggy on your whole demi-god status," the bar mogul inquired, followed by the eruption of a sudden addition. "Oh, and have you seen Nerys yet? I'm sure she'd be-"

"Nerys?" Benjamin interrupted. He hadn't meant to vocalize the curiosity, but since he had, there was no choice but to roll with it. "Since when are you on a first-name basis with the Colonel?"

"I told you this place hasn't been the same, didn't I?" Quark returned calmly. He briefly turned away to grab a rag to dry off a clean glass, spinning the cloth against the cool insides as if to add to his casualness. "Things have changed. She tells me things."

Sisko blinked, completely flabberghasted by the very thought of Kira confiding in someone like Quark. So he extended the only articulate inquiry he could manage. "Why?"

Quark straightened his back and cast his gaze elsewhere. Sisko followed the line of sight and noticed in the Ferengi's vision a couple out on the promenade. A short-haired woman tugged the hand of a tan-skinned man, directing him toward the bar. "Misery loves company." The grave nature with which the statement was delivered made Sisko quickly snap his head back around to face Quark, but he had already moved down the bar, from which he exited to the back room of the establishment.

"Benjamin!" In an instant, Ezri Dax was once again beside him, with Julian Bashir trailing behind with a crooked little smirk. She seated herself on the stool between Morn and Sisko, but then glanced at the former with a nervous smile. "Uh, Morn? Would you mind giving us a little privacy? Thanks."

Once the Lurian had vacated his stool, Julian claimed it. "Wow, it really is you, isn't it, Captain?" he marvelled. "I almost didn't believe Ezri when she told me." All-in-all, the doctor looked exactly as he had two years ago; his slowly receding hair had ceased its trek back when the stress of the Dominion war had lifted, gaining ground neither forward or backward from there. The only difference was the twinkle in his eye that Sisko hadn't seen in almost a decade; Julian had come back to life.

"When I said we'd catch up at Quark's, I didn't think you'd be here this soon," Ezri said with both excitement and concern. "Did you find Kasidy and Jake?"

"You know, Old Man, I'd rather not talk about it right now." The tone and words themselves were polite, but the underlying message was clear: don't ask. Ezri raised an eyebrow briefly, then glanced at Julian, who had no solution to offer. To lighten the mood, Sisko added, "What have you two been up to for the last two years?"

"Oh, well…" Ezri began to babble, but Benjamin stared beyond her, beyond Julian as well, out the window and onto the promenade. He could see a boy, or rather a man, he used to know and desperately wished to meet again, a man named Jake Sisko. And on that man's shoulder sat a little girl who looked to be not yet two, with a bright smile that made her look just like her mother.

He tried to brush it all off, to refocus on what his thrice-over friend was saying. He tuned back in around, "..oh, and best of all, Julian and I are getting married!" She thrust her left hand forward at the conclusion of the sentence, rendering Sisko inches away from a diamond ring so huge that it reflected light from multiple directions.

"Garak helped me pick it out," Bashir added sheepishly. "He tells me that tailoring and jewelry-designing are not completely separate concepts. Something or another about an eye for beauty."

"We're so glad you made it back when you did, Benjamin," Ezri continued, placing her hands on top of his. "You see, before we get married, I want to be certain that I really know myself. All of myself." She paused, seemingly, for the first time that Sisko knew her, unsure how to speak. "Do you remember Jadzia's Zhian'tara?" she asked timidly.

For a moment, Sisko replayed the memories, the feeling of hosting the psychotic murderer Dax that the planet Trill preferred to pretend had never gotten to be a host. "You want me to host Joran again for you." He had meant it as a question, although it intoned like a statement.

"Well, yes, but that isn't the reason I waited for you," Ezri confessed. She squeezed his hand as reassurance to both of them, and she felt Julian lay a hand on her shoulder. "I thought you might want... to talk to Jadzia." 


	2. Caught Between

Ch. 2. Caught Between

Even before she officially contacted the Symbiosis Commission to confirm her Zhian'tara, Ezri sent out the call. It was easy to contact Miles; Starfleet Academy made it a priority (much to Miles's discontent, as Julian told it) to have their staff accessible. While that often meant nagging parents demanding answers or whiny students looking for extra credit, it also provided a nice, simple way to request his presence.

Worf was a bit more difficult. As Starfleet ambassador to Qo'nos, he could be either at a Starbase or on his home planet. Fortunately, Benjamin still had enough contacts-all of whom were equally shocked to hear from him-to locate the Klingon. But, Ezri worried, just finding him would not necessarily be enough. As far as Worf would be concerned, Jadzia was long gone, hauled off triumphantly to Stovokor. To discover Ezri's intention to have a conversation with her, though in another person's body, might put him off to such an extent that he would refuse to come.

In all honestly, Ezri could not decide if meeting Jadzia would be a good or a bad thing. Sometimes, she woke up in the middle of the night in a panic because she had effectively stepped into the prior host's life; she worked on her station, lived only doors down from her quarters, had her friends…

And sometimes she wondered whether or not those friends were even really hers. She understood fully that they had come for Jadzia, but had they stayed for Ezri? She desperately wanted to find out, and while she dared not admit it even to herself, this question was the true motive behind her choice to postpone her wedding to Julian; she had to know without a doubt which Dax it was that he really loved.

She stepped inside the turbo lift that today would bring her together with her old friends: Benjamin, Nerys, Julian, Miles, Jake, Kasidy, Quark, and, if she was lucky, Worf. With the exception of the latter three, they all knew precisely what they were getting into. Kasidy and Worf didn't know because they hadn't been around Deep Space Nine at the time of Jadzia's Zhian'hara, and Quark didn't know yet because… well, he was not going to be very pleased about it.

When she arrived at the briefing room she had selected as their meeting place, there were two things she immediately noticed: one, the separation between Benjamin and Kasidy; two, the conflicted, forlorn look Jake wore; and three, the empty chair. She had guaranteed there would be exactly the right amount. But Worf was not here.

It stung, to say the least, that he had not come, but she supposed she would just have to find someone else to temporarily host one of her past selves. "Hey, you guys," she greeted brightly. "Thanks for coming, I-"

The sudden placement of a large, warm hand cut her off. Ezri spun around and found herself face-to-face with its own. A crooked smile overtook her as the giant man behind her nodded. "My apologies for the tardiness," his deep voice boomed. Ezri (Jadzia?) had missed his voice. "Will you accept me into your gathering?"

The small counselor nodded eagerly and stepped aside to let him in. Worf went uneventfully to his seat, but only after he had sat down did he notice an unexpected member of the group. "Captain?" Sisko nodded before raising his index finger to his lip, then indicating back to Ezri. "Ah. Later," Worf accepted.

"Thank you," smiled Ezri. "Okay. Well. I'm getting married soon, and before I do that, I want to be completely confident that I fully know who I am." As she spoke, albeit rather quickly, she emphasized with her hands; upon noticing the gestures, she stuck her arms behind her back, firmly clasping her hands together to prevent their return. "Some of you may remember Jadzia's Zhian'hara, and, um, that's what I'm going to do, and I need all of you-"

Quark stood suddenly, slamming his hands down on the table. "Is this that ceremony where you borrow our bodies again?" he demanded grumpily. "Because if you'll recall, I did not have a lot of fun the last time around. Jadzia stuck me with Audrid, a female!"

"Yes, Quark, it is that," confessed Ezri. "And I will be honest with you: I'm going to ask you to host Audrid again. It will be easier for everyone if anyone who participated last time received the same host for me. Plus, if you take Audrid, you may get an opportunity to speak to Jadzia."

Worf's eyes grew wide. "Speak… to Jadzia?" He felt as shocked as he appeared, his jaw dancing up and down between syllables as if trying to find more but to no avail. There were none to be found.

Ezri hesitated. "Yes. But let me explain," she added quickly. "The Zhian'hara is a Trill ceremony that will allow me to separate from the Dax symbiont's prior hosts so that I can have a conversation with them. It's sort of a rite of passage, a closure ceremony. But the only way to do that is for the hosts to temporarily occupy someone else's 's where you all come in."

"It would just be for a couple hours each," she went on. "So everyone who was involved before will, ideally, take the same host. Jake, I'd like you to host Emony. Worf, you'll get Curzon." Ezri had to pause while Sisko reigned in his laughter. For Curzon, inhabiting a Klingon was going to be essentially a dream come true. "And Kasidy, if you don't mind, you'll have Jadzia." With everything said, Ezri now could only field reactions, and she bit her lip nervously.

Jake and Kasidy both provided succinct, confirmatory remarks, and all eyes fell to Worf. "What?" he erupted after a moment of being watched. He glanced around the room, scanning over everyone before landing back on Ezri, who returned his gaze with a silent plea for cooperation that only served to further anger him. "I will not be a part of this! And leave Jadzia out of it as well!"

Worf stood abruptly, knocking over his chair. With a snarl on his lips, he charged out of the room, bumping angrily passed Ezri on the way out. Concern clear in her furrowed brow, she announced to the remaining company, "I'll… I'll let you know." The end of the sentence was somewhat lost as she took off after him. The moment she was through the doorway, Julian rushed behind them.

For a moment, no one moved. Then the room began to clear out slowly, uncomfortably, until as Kasidy walked out the door she turned back and realized it was only Benjamin and Jake to come behind. "Jake, come on," she urged.

Jake glanced between his step-mother and his father. "Uh, I'll be there in a minute," he replied knowing full well he wouldn't be. And she knew it too, because she left without him. He turned directly to his father. "Look, she doesn't want me to talk to you because you were gone, but I'm not a kid anymore, and I get it, Dad. I get why you did. You had to."

Sisko presented a weak smile as he got out of his chair and sat in one closer to him. "You've become a fine man, Jake-o," he said softly, resting an affectionate hand on his son's back. "A damn fine man."

"I had a great role model, Dad," Jake answered without hesitation. As far as he was concerned, it was the only natural response. "I'm so glad you're back. I missed you. And so did Kasidy, whether she'll admit it or not. We've just… been through a lot in the last two years."

"Tell me everything," Benjamin returned seriously, leaning closer. "Tell me about your little sister. I don't even know my own daughter's name. And what happened while I was gone? Kasidy's so different… So angry…" He loved his wife, and he was sure she still loved him too deep down, but something had happened while he was away that buried her love beneath layers and layers of resentment. He wanted to reclaim the woman that he knew.

"Rebecca Jae Sisko is…" Jake paused, searching through his writer's repertoire for just the right words. As he found them, he smiled. "Rambunctious. I swear she was running before she could walk. She likes to shout and be in charge. She's independent and sassy, and she doesn't take 'no' for an answer."

Sisko nodded along to the description Jake gave; his daughter-little Rebecca-was everything he expected her to be. He felt guilty having missed this much of her earlier life, even if he knew what he had done was right. "Her mother's child," he noted humorously.

"There's a lot of you in her too, Dad." The younger man replied seriously. "But it's been rough. When she was a few months old, she got really sick. I don't really know with what; Dr. Bashir never told me anything specific, and Kasidy never wanted to talk about it. Rebecca was in sick bay for…" Jake hesitated, recollecting. "Five months maybe? I don't know. It was really tense, and I was pretty sleep-deprived for most of it."

The grim way he recounted these facts supplied the alarmed look that appeared on Sisko's face. "It was that bad, huh?" He could hardly believe it. How had he not known all this was happening? Why had the Prophets not showed him what was going on in his absence? He had felt at peace the whole time, stemming from what he thought was a peace aboard the station and for his loved ones, but he had been so very wrong. "No wonder she's so mad at me. To go through that alone…"

"She wasn't alone." Jake's interjection was so seamless and emblazoned that it caught his father rather off-guard. "I was there, and Nerys was there. Ezri, Julian, even Quark. That isn't the point. She had people to rely on, but none of them were you." He sighed and brushed both hands over his face. "I didn't mean it to come out like that," he explained. "Like I said before, I understand why you left. But Kasidy doesn't see it that way. She might have before Rebecca got sick, but Prophets or no Prophets, when that happened, all she really wanted was you."

"Bajorans on the station came up to us a lot to say that they'd be praying for her," he went on. "But I guess if you didn't know, maybe the Prophets didn't hear them. Or if they did, maybe they just didn't want you to hear too." Jake paused, glancing out the window at the currently in-use wormhole, the way light and reality all bent and warped in a beautiful dance as a ship either escaped or disappeared. Then he looked back. "After a while, it got pretty frustrating to hear them say it. Eventually it started to really upset Kasidy, so I'd have to just say thanks and we'd walk away."

Sisko moved his hand across Jake's shoulder, wrapping the narrow young man up as they stood, a grip that was instantly mirrored. A couple silent tears squeezed past the Captain's control, and he wiped them away furiously. As they walked out of the briefing room together, Benjamin patted his son's back affectionately. "A damn fine man, for sure."


	3. To Convince a Klingon

Ch. 3 To Convince a Klingon

It was times like these that Ezri cursed her small stature. Worf was not running, but he took such long, powerful strides that she had to compensate with speed, but she could not do too much. She feared, somewhat irrationally, that if she started to actually run, he might do the same. Then she would never catch him, since calling his name was obviously having no effect. "Worf, please!" she cried. "At least talk to me!"

"Ezri!" Oh, yes, and to make matters worse, Julian was still on her heels. She loved her fiance, but she wished he would have stayed out of this. It was nothing in which he was needed involved, because if (and when) she could get Worf to talk to her, it was going to be very personal, not just between the two of them but between Worf and Jadzia.

So she tried to shoo him off with awkward, backwards gestures, but Julian continued after her. She was caught in the middle, dashing after the one who would not speak while pursued by the one who never stopped. How ridiculous! She felt herself growing angrier and angrier while Julian shouted and Worf remained silent, until all at once, she stopped running. Having not been far behind, Julian almost crashed into her, but she did not move or even seem to register his proximity anymore. There was a fire in her eyes, and she felt Jadzia bubbling into her throat. "I thought Klingons didn't run away!" she barked. "Some warrior you are!"

Worf stopped instantly, slowly turning around with a quiet growl emanating. He strode back to her, his low roar growing stronger until he was inches away from her. Ezri did not back down. "I am not running away," he insisted angrily. "Our discussion was concluded. I was going back to my ship so that I could return to my duties."

"Look, Worf," Ezri replied, sounding more like herself again. "I'm going to do my Zhian'tara with or without your permission. It's a Trill rite of passage, and it's something I have to do. You can either be a part of it or not. That's your choice. But Jadzia-"

"You may not!" Worf interrupted passionately, his breathing labored as if the sheer weight of his anger was crushing him, as if the build-up was just too much. But then something in his words shifted; while he still yelled and commanded, somehow, it felt more like… a plea. "Do not rip Jadzia out of Stovokor!"

And then it hit her. "You're afraid she won't be able to get back," Ezri assessed. Worf said nothing, as was his way, especially when it came to a discussion of fear and love, but his head lowered, if only slightly, and she knew that she was right. She turned momentarily to Julian, her anger dissipating , and found him stunned to silence, his mouth agape. Had the situation not been so serious, she might have laughed: Worf speaking and Julian silent? What a rare occasion.

Ezri bit her lip, searching for the right words. "Worf, I'm going to be honest with you," she said carefully. "I can't guarantee anything spiritual in this matter, but I have to do this. Trills have done it as long as we've been joining. Jadzia did hers, and when it was done, the hosts before her all went back to wherever they came from." She paused, hesitant. "So you can either do this for me, house one of my former hosts, or you can leave. When Kasidy is hosting Jadzia, I'm going to let her have time to speak to everyone she needs to, and you can see her or not. But I'm doing the Zhian'tara. The question is, will you help me?"

For a moment, there was only silence. Julian moved to snake a supportive arm around her, but she pulled away without really acknowledging him; she could do this on her own. She kept her attention focused on Worf, registering every blink, every twitch, and wondering what it meant. Even after (Jadzia) being so close to him, he still maintained an enigmatic quality. Ezri never knew what he would do or say in commonplace situations, let alone in this delicate matter. She wanted him to say yes, but if he did not, she supposed she would understand. She would just have to find another person to be the final host.

"If I do this," Worf replied tentatively, a raised hand emphasizing the hypothetical nature of his inquiry. "Which Dax would I be hosting?" Ezri could not help but grin, at which he added, "I am not saying I will do it. I would simply like to know who you expect me to share my body with before I answer."

Ezri dropped her smile in favor of a clearly fake serious expression. "Right, of course," she answered, suppressing the return of the grin as best she could. "I would like you to host Curzon Dax. I thought it would just delight him to finally be a Klingon. He tried so hard in his lifetime to become one. He had such a respect for the culture."

Another tense moment passed before he spoke. "...Fine." Her grin returned in all its glory, Ezri lurched forward, but with a small side-step, Worf said without amusement, "Do not hug me." Straightening herself with the kind of awkwardness that made the Emony in her cringe, she retracted. Worf pulled down the front of his shirt. "I will be in my ship. Contact me when it is time." Ezri nodded, and he headed off, walking, this time, at a much more reasonable pace to his docked ship.

She watched him shrink into the distance with joy and also a newfound nervousness. This was really happening now. There was so much to do, so much that would happen. She felt her stomach flip, then sink; what if she found out something she didn't like from one of the previous hosts? What if they did not like her or think she was worthy of being a Dax? She still was not sure she really deserved the symbiont-after all, she had never trained or been chosen or anything but selected out of necessity. What if they hated her for it?

Most importantly, what would Jadzia think of her? Would she resent her for, in a way, sliding into her life? Ezri had never meant to become so close to Jadzia's life, but she had been so confused when she and the Dax symbiont were joined, and with Jadzia's memories and personality so fresh and potent, all she could think to do was find Benjamin. Somehow from there, Ezri became the new Dax, filling a void but never completely, because deep down, she knew that she could never be Jadzia.

Sometimes she missed just being Ezri Tigan, a young counselor with only one lifetime of experience, someone to whom she could never return. When the Dax symbiont had needed a host so desperately, there had been no time to think; she had known then, as she still knew now, that as a Trill, she had an obligation to the symbiont race. So she had done what she could, but with eight extra lives floating before her, everything was a lot less clear. In the last three years or so, she had learned to sort through the memories and thoughts of her prior selves, but sometimes she slipped up and became completely convinced, if only for a moment, that her name was Lela or Tobin or Curzon. Or Jadzia. Those moments were the worst and, unfortunately, the most common.

As she watched Worf, she felt one such moment, flooding through her so strongly that when Julian sought her attention, it served only to confuse her: "Ezri?" She looked to him in a clear daze that brought about the sudden dissipation of the annoyance on his face that would have been obvious if she was in a better headspace. "Are.. you okay?" He draped one arm around her shoulder, lightly holding on from the side with the other.

Ezri reclaimed herself; these moments became less common as she got more and more desensitized to the swarming thoughts that felt like someone else's, but every once and a while, she had to stop and remember. No matter what anyone thought-or wanted-she was not Jadzia, Curzon, Emony, or anyone else. But she was not Ezri Tigan either, which was how these things arose. She was Ezri Dax. And she was okay. "Yeah, I'm fine," she replied, engaging in eye-contact with Julian for the first time since the briefing room. She smiled weakly and rested her head on his shoulder. "Just fine."

Yet as they walked away, she knew that it could, realistically, be temporary. The Symbiosis Commission would have someone on the station in the morning, and the Zhian'tara would begin. Nerys would, for the second time, become Lela, and Ezri would, for the first time, meet the original Dax. She certainly had a big day ahead of her, to say the least.


End file.
